bored bored bored bored & a little lonely

Patrick has a huge deadline tomorrow with his biggest building yet so I don't see a lot of him these days. And while I love, love, love the art time, I do get a little bit bored & lonely all by myself.

Just how bored?

Well, I cleaned out the freezer, I tried to start a Tumblr art blog, I talked my daughter into gutting one of the guest rooms with me, I started a new non-art blog, I redid two pieces of art and started a few more, I've posted every day to at least one of my blogs, I started a new book (reading, not writing) and I went by myself to see this movie.
By myself.

And if thats not enough, I then made a journal page about it!!!!
 
I started with a CitraSolv paper in really pretty pastel shades with what I believe was at one time a hummingbird on it. When I started to journal on the page, I discovered that not every pen works on a CitraSolv page. I finally settled on Sharpies and PrismaColor.

Next I slapped on some scraps of handmade papers and my favorite tissue paper. 

And then I decided to gel transfer the movie picture on top.  I've never transferred onto paper before but I expected it to be fragile so I coated both sides with medium prior to attempting the transfer.  Well, I was wrong, it wasn't fragile.  It was super-fragile!  As I started to scrub off the paper backing, the magazine page started to tear so I had to leave a lot of the white fuzz on there.

And that led to a nice discovery ~ the white fuzz absorbs watercolors (I used Twinkling H20s in the same colors of the original CitraSolv paper) beautifully.  Since I'm working on another collage with a transfer at the same time, I'm going to use the watercolors on its white fuzzies too.

I bet all the world's best discoveries came becuz somebody somewhere was really bored one day.  Okay.  Maybe not ALL and maybe not THE BEST (after all, I know some people worked really diligently to get us medicines and electricity and other wonderful things) but certainly some really cool artsy discoveries were made this way!

My Artistic Conundrum

I'm an artist.
I want to be a successful artist.
I take the Classes.
I read the Books.
I go to the Conventions.
I follow the steps.

I burn out.
I vegetate.
I watch way too much TV.
I read mysteries & magazines.
I ignore the studio.
I ignore my friends - artistic or not. 

I wake up a little & look around.
I realize I haven't made art in awhile.

I enter the studio & see a mess.
I order paper trays & drool over storage bins.
I reorganize.  Again.
I make a new list.
I read inspiring blogs.
I still make nothing.

I know I MUST create more art.

I must create it for my peace of mind.
I must create it because I need a large body of work to be successful
.........(whether for gallery representation or licensing).
I must create if I'm to bring in money doing what I love - and
I must bring in money.

So why don't I?
Am I lazy?
.........afraid of failure?
.........afraid of success?
.........afraid of not being enough?
Or am I just tired of trying for so long and still needing to keep on?
Has it become a job instead of a passion?  And a low paying job at that?

Do I need to know?
Or just do?  (channeling Yoda there)

I pour out my heart on the front & back of a pre-painted journal page.
I pour out my heart on a computer screen.
I paint over the page in broad strokes of multiple colors.
I rub black charcoal around the edges.
I scribble on top of it all with a good old number 2 pencil.

Time slips away.
I am making some art.

Fear

On my last post, I talked about change and its best buddy, fear.

Now I just want to give you some encouragement if you're contemplating making a change and your stuck because of fear:

Don't wait until the fear goes away before you act -
act until the fear goes away.

Please don't think I'm being glib or unrealistic or foolish. I decided to go for it with my art but I didn't just quit my day job and risk raising my kids in a cardboard box. As a matter of fact, it was years before I could quit my full-time job, then awhile longer until I could transition my part-time jobs into contract work, and it could still be another 9 months or twelve years before I can stop doing accounting altogether.

So, what I am encouraging you to do is to think it through:

1. What is my fear?  Name it.
   - Are you afraid you'll be embarassed?  Um.  So?  Okay, THAT was glib.  But really, it's not like you're having a wardrobe malfunction onstage at the Super Bowl.  If embarrassment is your fear, then just be very careful  who you tell - or tell no one.
   - Are you afraid you'll fail?  You've heard about Thomas Edison and his 3000 attempts to find a filament.  Failing often breeds better ideas.
2. Where did this fear come from?
   - Is that just me hearing mean old so-n-so again?  We often play these tapes over-and-over in our heads because some kid in third grade or a cruel teacher or, worst of all, a bad parent told us we weren't good enough or we were stupid or some other judgment based more in their problems than on anything we did.  Do we really want to give him/her/them control over our current life? 
   - Or, maybe it's your gut telling you something isn't quite right.  Then research it a little more (I'm a firm believer in listening to your natural instincts.).
3. Is it a valid fear?  Could this actually happen? 
   - Am I really incompetent?  Be honest.  Shut off the tapes and evaluate the situation and your abilities, time availability, energy level, etc. 
   - What is the absolute worst thing that could happen and could I live with it? Don't exagerate either. Again, be honest.  I think you'd be surprised how much easier it is to do without material goods (not basic food & shelter, obviously) when you're doing what you love.  That's why they have to pay you more to work for jerks than to work for nice people. 
4. Can I address/resolve any valid issues/concerns? Seriously, is there really a true possiblity that you cannot find a way thru or around this obstacle given enough time or effort?  I am willing to bet you can find someone to help you in exchange for your help at something (quid pro quo makes the business world go around).  Maybe your ideas dovetail with someone else's.  Maybe your spouse is ready for you to finally be happy and will do anything to make your dreams come true (yay for my hubby who feels this way).
5. Make a plan.  Man.  This step alone is a biggie.  Jessica Howard has a time management post and her step three fits here: Make a map and keep following it. I'll just advise that you think of everything you can and then be flexible.  New things will be thrown at you.  Good things.  Bad things.  Boring things. Adjust the plan.
6. And then, to throw one more quote at you - probably one you've heard the most:
   
   "Just Do It!" - Nike™

The artwork today is by Sylvia Drown. I "met" Sylvia in Kelly Rae Roberts online class, FLYING LESSONS, where we talked a lot about facing our fears. I couldn't believe how perfectly the quote on here dovetailed with my post and I am very excited to now own this piece.

Change

I think I may have mentioned that I'm currently making a lot of changes, in several areas of my life (my online presence, my art-business, my career - not to mention my youngest will graduate college soon so my empty nest will be even more empty).

Change itself doesn't scare me - as you can tell by the 83 gazillion hair-styles I have had (I'm having another birthday this week.  However, I want to be sure that no one will ever be able to tell how old I am because I wear a hairstyle that screams which decade I went to high school or college!!  hehe) or the number of times I rearrange the furniture.

But the ramifications of change can be paralyzing.  Hair grows out.  Furniture can be moved again.  But quitting your day job to pursue your art?!?!?  Are you nuts?  What if you don't sell anything and you end up living in a cardboard box?  What if you sell so much that you can't keep up with demand?  Okay, that last one is not one I've actually had, but you get the idea: 

the thought of change invokes fear.

A fellow artist-blogger wrote about this today.  The fact that she was able to step out of her fear long enough to throw it out into the world says a lot about how much she really wants to make this change.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the Triumph over it. The brave man is not one who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepset fear is that we are powerful beyond measure...We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." - Marianne Williamson

When I post next time, I'll write more about facing our fears.

All Emotions

In our online class a lot of time has been devoted to facing all of the "negative" emotions that come with being a creative person and/or running a business:
* the fears (I'm not all that special.
Who do I think I am?)
* the overwhelm from wearing so many hats (this is my biggie)
* frustration when things don't go as planned
* the discouragement from lack of sales or rejection at a juried show
* and so on and so on (you know what they are - feel free to share yours)

So, what should we do with those fears?
* acknowledge them
* look closely at them
* deal with them (cry, discuss their validity, meet with a mentor, relax with loved ones)
* move on even if the fear is still there (fake it til you make it)

Now, I've always been pretty darn good at dealing with my emotions.  Pretty self-analytical (one ex-husband said "You think too much" - and yes, that means I've had more than one - now THAT would be a long post!!!). Refute the negative tapes that play in my head as Dr Phil says. Do something different if I need to for awhile. 

Except for one emotion. FRUSTRATION. And yesterday was one of those days.

So what happened in my creative life that led to this frustration?
Nothing!
I was frustrated becuz of a class at the YMCA.

You see, in addition to taking a class from Kelly Rae Roberts, signing up for The Creative Connection and reorganizing the studio supplies, I have also reduced my diet coke intake, improved my eating habits - not PERFECTED, but improved - and started exercising - including joining the Y with my husband.  (Yes, I have been dealing with overwhelm as well.)

Being the self-analytical person that I am, I KNOW that I do not do well with routine so I like to mix it up.  That plan is going fine except for the Body Sculpting class.  Yes it's hurts like heck but I expect that so it doesn't bug me.  So what's the frustrating part?

 I HAVE NO BALANCE AND I AM TOTALLY UNCOORDINATED.

I have no idea why this is shocking to me.  I grew about 83 inches in 7th grade and it seems I never did learn how to deal with these long arms & legs (otherwise, these are NOT a curse, mind you).

My normal way of dealing with frustration is to give up.  Which I decided to do - not just give up the class but everything else.  Where's a Popeye's?  I need some seriously fried chicken, biscuits, red beans & rice.  

Instead,

* I looked at it.  I need to do this class and of course I'll be a klutz.  So what?  Maybe I'll get better (this was only my second ever class in my life).  Maybe I'll never be able to move my leg left and my arm right and pulse into a squat at the same time but I will definitely be using previously unknown muscles and getting a great cardio workout.

* I dealt with it - I called Patrick while near the Popeyes.  I cried.  I stood in a hot shower.  I journaled about it.

* And I'll fake it - next Thursday, I will enter the torture chamber again.  (I think they Sculpt us with chain saws!  Rusty dull old chain saws.)

N OW, about this journal page.  Finally found some Sharpie oil-based paint pens - new display at Michaels - and bought a silver fine point to experiment.  I'd been reading that art journalers love them cuz they write on everything and

I LOVE IT!

I doodled on an existing background and journaled out my frustration on the back.  As usual, the metallic doesn't show up on screen that well.

Oh, and the last thing I did to deal was to come to my community for support - the biggest way to deal with all these emotions  is YOU.  Feel free to share your struggles in return.  Believe me, I can relate.

~ Sherry